What kind of driver are you?

If someone flips you off, do you:

ignore this childish behaviour and continue driving?

return the gesture?

laugh in their face and make an, ‘Ooh, I’m so scared’ expression, with your eyes wide and your mouth in an ‘O’ shape?

chase after the offender, aim directly for him at the next junction, force him off the road, tear his door open, and then realise with horror that he’s much, much bigger than you?

Regarding the person who flipped you off in the first question, which one of the following would most change your answer?

Your boss?

Your Gran?

Eddie Hall?

That assistant you really fancy, down the shop?

The traffic isn’t moving, but an irate-looking road user approaches you with a baseball bat, then makes a ‘wind your window down’ gesture. Do you:

pretend you haven’t noticed and gaze into the middle distance, praying he’ll lose interest and leave you be?

parp your horn, throw on the hazards and make a big show of dialling the police?

sarcastically wave and pull faces at him, followed by ‘boo-hoo’ gestures (rubbing your eyes with your balled fists)?

wind your window down and ask, “Can I help you?”

A pizza delivery moped cuts you up at a roundabout. Do you:

leave him to it, since you’ll be placing an order yourself soon, so you’ll need him fit and well?

hope he doesn’t try that with someone less forgiving?

flash your lights, wind your window down and loudly insult the rider’s parentage?

chase him into a ditch?

You are being tailgated to the point where the phrase ‘Would you mind removing your nose from up my back end?’ seems appropriate. Do you:

continue at your current velocity and try to ignore the unwanted attention of the bonobo monkey behind you?

speed up and hope he doesn’t follow?

dab your brakes a couple of times to warn him off?

brake hard and make him swerve into a tree?

Driving at night, you're dazzled by the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. Do you:

slow down or stop?

flash your own lights in return? Hopefully he’ll get the hint.

close your eyes?

pull across into the oncoming lane and play chicken with him?

Which of these sets of three must be in good working order for your car to be considered roadworthy?

Steering wheel, gearbox and brake pedal.

The driver’s sanity, calm mood and sobriety.

Ashtray, cup holder and soft leather upholstery.

Furry dice, moronic novelty horn, and mini bar.

In which way does smoking cannabis affect your driving?

It gets you arrested for being under the influence.

You drive more slowly…a lot more slowly.

Your normally maniacal driving actually improves.

You forget what a car is. You’re hungry, though. Where’d the pizza guy go? Hey, that rhymed. Oh, look at the pretty lights. Are we heading towards them or are they coming towards us? Whatever man, they’re slowing down. Everything is slowing down. Slow, slow, slow. The word is meaningless. There is no ‘slow’; there is only ‘go’ but with less effort.

A non-flashing amber light means:

slow down and prepare to stop.

it’s broken.

you need to take that crown of glow-worms off your head.

Hit it! Go, go, go!

To drive on the road, learners must first:

pass two standardised tests – one written and one practical.

find someone with deep pockets to help pay for it all.

ride a few dodgem cars so they can learn how to react fast enough.

realise that everyone else will treat them like roadkill.

You must not reverse:

from a side road into a main road.

back down a motorway turn-off (I’ve seen people do it).

the polarity of the planet.

into trees.

In what circumstance are you permitted to use a mobile phone while driving?

You’re not.

When being chased through Paris by armed police but you can’t remember why they’re after you or even who you are.

In an emergency, such as ordering pizza. Come on, they’ll be open by now.

When you want someone to talk to, because you’re feeling scared around the blind bends.

You see a pedestrian carrying a white stick with two reflective red bands on it. This means the person is:

Registered deaf/blind.

A narcissist taking a selfie.

A very short pole vaulter.

Gandalf.

You are driving along a country road. What could you expect to see coming towards you on the other side of the road?

Another wheeled vehicle, not unlike the one you’re driving.

Farm machinery, horses or perhaps a troupe of merry Morris Dancers.

A bright pink juggernaut with ‘I brake for man nor beast!’ written on the side.

Genghis Khan and his Mongolian hordes, all out looking for a pillage-thru MacDonald’s.

When you park, your vehicle must not:

move anymore.

obstruct other road users.

be left temptingly unlocked, so you’re not the one blamed if someone else steals it, because clearly that would make it your fault, just like being punched would be your fault, for standing in the way of the other person’s fist.