Unspeakable Bonus!

The eBook only has the 36 Unspeakable entries, so I thought I’d continue to add to the series here. We’ll start from where we left off:

37. Burglarised.
Just like ‘smart’ motorways, this word has no reason to exist. What happened to ‘burgled’? Was the word itself burglarised? Surely no coincidence that it sounds a lot like ‘bastardised’. How specific an act is it to ‘burglarise’ something? Does that mean instead of being a ‘burglar’ you’re a ‘burglariser’? Can you be sent down for ‘burglarisery’? (Tell you what, the autocorrect threw an angry red line under that one.) In terms of how a word functions – in being able to smoothly adjust to suit the context – this one fails harder than bothering to wipe your prints off your smartphone screen.

38. It’s a free country.
It isn’t, it’s very expensive. I know you mean conceptually free, but even then, you wouldn’t want that. What people want is stability and security, and neither of those involve freedom. At one point, we were all locked down for months on end and forced to wear masks everywhere. Yes, yes, it was ‘for our own good’, but I ask you, how does a strip of fabric screen out a microscopic virus? Unless you’re one of the lizards who owns the place, no-one is living in a free country.

39. Freedom isn’t free.
This was originally a reference to the sacrifice that military personnel make to keep their country safe, but it’s often employed as go-to rhetoric for somewhat gung-ho individuals to justify that sacrifice. Besides, what makes you think you have freedom, at all? US servicemen and women sent to the Middle East are so disorientated by their experience, and so conflicted as to what they were sent out to achieve, that more of them have taken their own lives after coming home than were killed in the actual fighting. They’re sacrificing themselves.

This phrase is then used to suggest that these wasted lives are merely collateral, laid down for the greater good. They’re human beings, used as pawns in a sick power-game of territory and influence. They’re conscientious individuals who believe in the principles of defence and security and are then taken advantage of by their so-called ‘superiors’ who become more coldly psychotic, the higher up the chain they go.

You’re right; freedom isn’t free. Nothing is. All we’re doing is squabbling over the scraps that those at the top table toss over their shoulders to us. And here we are, coming up with phrases that support this status quo. Honestly, we’re fools, desperate to believe in this ‘greater good’ that merely serves to keep us all under the boot that’s stamping on a human face forever.

40. Fight Fire With Fire.
This is supposed to sound badass (which it does, if you’re Metallica) but the expression is futile and self-defeating. It’s almost not worth stating that throwing fire onto a fire will simply create more fire. I realise that people use the phrase to mean they’re fighting back, but how would you control the fire enough to win the fight? Unless, of course, that by using the phrase, you are deliberately inciting more fire, which just takes you back to how the fire started in the first place.

41. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Well, that’s all very encouraging, but who believes this? You can’t even do ‘anything’ within the realms of possibility. Although it is physically possible for me to become a Monster truck exhibitionist – I can set as much of my mind to it as I like – all the favourable gears of the universe aren’t going to put that wish into motion. How about just being able to walk past the perfume counter in Boots without sneezing?

42. A leopard can’t change its spots.
That’s right, it can’t. A leopard cannot physically change its spots. Thing is, this phrase refers to someone’s behaviour, which can be changed. Quite easily.

43. You don’t listen!
Repeated over and over again, until the only thing you’re listening to is someone telling you that you don’t listen. Possibly the worst conversation I’ve ever had, it’s the verbal equivalent of getting your videogame character wedged against a wall, still walking, and you can’t turn them away to continue the level.

44. If you loved me, you’d know how I feel.
Uh-oh. Toxic relationship warning. This is the bloodiest of red flags. No, I wouldn’t know how you feel about one particular thing, just because I feel a certain way about you, generally. Not being psychic, I do need more from you than just the huffing and rolling of your eyes.

45. Don’t get ideas above your station.
Oh? And where is my station, exactly? I didn’t realise I had one. Wow, the arrogance it takes to trot this out is as ironic as it is breathtaking. I’m going to assume that you think you’re above me in station, since that would be the only way you could justify telling me not to have ideas above it. Just go away, will you?

46. Check your privilege.
Go shove it. I mean, you’re standing there, in your tailored suit and Gucci loafers, having driven here in an S-class Mercedes, whereas I’ve just got back from the charity shop in my 15-year-old hatchback, and I’m the one with privilege? “Well, that’s not actually what ‘privilege’ means. It’s actually more about having greater privilege in society, generally; not just financially. Like, you’re actually protected against discrimination because you possess certain inherent…attributes. Actually.” Okay, well, again, I’m looking at you, in your expensive clothes, from your well-paid career, afforded by your prestigious education and high-level connections, not to mention you’ll be heading back to your good-looking spouse, who’s waiting for you at your near-palatial abode, whereas I’m standing here on my own, in my jeans and hoodie, tired from my basic dogsbody job, and I can’t even find a suitable home, let alone afford to live in one. You are clearly better-off than I am, in all aspects of our lives, yet you still claim that I have some sort of vague privilege, based on some out-of-a-hat-picked aspect of my physicality. And you’re saying this with a straight face. Did I simply not abuse my privilege to get more out of life? Is that why there’s such a discrepancy? No, you’re right. I don’t get it. Perhaps someone can sit me down and explain it to me. Oh, wait – don’t. I’m not sure I’ll be able to process the guilt.

Look, privilege doesn’t come from race; it comes from money. If you have money, other money doesn’t care how you got it, and it’s all numbers, so other money certainly doesn’t care what you look like. The world is not about black and white; it’s about green: those who have it and those who don’t. And those who have it are more than happy to let those who don’t, argue and fight over black and white.

47. Do your research.
Oof. Give me a moment – I need to turn away and wince. I’ve heard this a lot now, most often when I’m already conducting my research. My research will lead me to approach someone for help, and their response is to tell me to do my research. Yes. Thank you. I’m already doing that, which is why I’m talking to you. I want to know what comes next. If you don’t know, just say so, and I’ll pursue another avenue. “Well, as I say, you should do your research.” Right. So, my research has led me to you, and your advice is to do my research. Excellent. That was totally worth my time.

This is also a go-to when any contrarious or socio-political argument comes up, and you happen to disagree with someone. Their response will include some variation on this little doozey. The implication being that if you do your research, you will eventually come around to agreeing with them. Then they turn away and put their nose in the air, which is the international body language for, ‘I win this round.’

48. Blue-sky thinking.
This is supposed to be brainstorming that isn’t ‘constrained by the limits of practical reality’. So…what would be the point? Since you can’t physically do it. D’you reckon we can have some down-to-Earth thinking? That way, we might get something done.

49. Think outside the box.
What friggin’ box? Can I stand up in this box? Does it have eyeholes? Can we think inside the box occasionally? Make the thing work. Honestly, people have made whole careers out of just turning up and talking a lot, which mostly just turns out to be loftily encouraging other people to do the actual thinking and the coming up with ideas, followed by nodding sagely at the ones that cost the least. I believe they’re known as ‘consultants’.

50. Don’t worry about it.
Not helpful. Not even encouraging. Saying this to me just means you can’t be bothered to engage with the issue I’m having, which is fine; you’re under no obligation, but telling me not to worry about it is not going to stop me worrying about it, you dismissive bore.

51. Do you want to talk about it?
No.

52. Back in the day.
Really don’t get along with this one. There was a period during the 90s and 2000s, when every other member of a boy band managed to work this phrase into their overly cheerful interviews, usually while referring to some random get-together they’d attended around six months previously. You’re not even out of your teens; you weren’t there, back in the day. Man, I’m not even fifty and I’m complaining about young people.

53. A friend in need is a pest.
This is a cynical take on the correct phrase: ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed.’ However, the parodic take derives from a singular misunderstanding of what the original sentiment expresses. That is, people seem to think that the ‘…friend indeed’ of the original saying, refers to the friend being the one who is in need. It’s not; it’s you. The saying is trying to tell you: if a friend comes to you, when you are in need, then that friend is a friend indeed. I think the confusion lies in the slightly archaic structure of the sentence, which in turn indicates how old and wise the saying is. Indeed, it’s older than I thought (just looked it up). Apparently, the origin can be found back in the 3^rd century BC, in the writings of Greek philosopher Ennius. His Latin translates as: ‘A sure friend is known when in difficulty.’ Of course, this negates my note about ‘slightly archaic sentence structure’, since the 2,000-year-old Latin line is clearer than the modern version. It also feels like all those variations on, ‘With great power, comes great responsibility.’

54. With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh, good grief. Every. Single. Spiderman movie. Then repeated several times throughout said flick. So many times, in fact, that the dialogue becomes meaningless.

The Amazing Spiderman variation was, “If you can do good things for people, then you have a moral obligation to do those things. Not choice; responsibility.” Then the Tom Holland version: “When you can do the things that I can do but you don’t, and then the bad things happen…they happen because of you.”

Well, maybe, but you can’t be everywhere at once. While you’re helping this person escape a house fire, this other person over here is being robbed. Does that mean that the person ended up being robbed because of you? They were robbed because someone robbed them; not because some self-appointed saviour can’t be in two places at once.

Spiderman Noir: “If there is too much power, it is the responsibility of the people to take it away.” Uh-huh. And whose responsibility is it to judge the excess power, and then implement the removal? This line manages to be pompous and vague at the same time.

Kaine: “With great power also comes the ability to rain down hell on those who prey on the weak; people who couldn’t fight the monsters.”

Oddly, this one, the most violent and direct one, makes the most sense, especially to a vigilante.

Frankly, the original line was already meaningless. Noble sentiment, but plenty of people have great power, yet they exercise the princely sum of naff-all responsibility. Indeed, many of them have an entirely blasé attitude to the fallout their every decision creates. A certain Stateside, painted-on, power-hungry clown act is (still) so determined not to acknowledge his own moral turpitude, he’s practically a super-villain. His ridiculous claims keep being reported by the national press, accompanied by the knee-jerk outrage and disbelief. Why do people keep acting surprised? He’s been at it for decades. He did it at the highest level possible for four whole years. Why do they even still give him the time of day? People keep claiming he’s a liar. He isn’t. A liar knows that what they are saying is rubbish. Ol’ Leftie-bait believes every word he says. He’s not liar; he’s deluded. That’s much worse.

Either the person that, or they do believe they have great responsibility, but then decide to carry out some zealous campaign of social attrition, to enact their great vision. Did Stalin feel this ‘great responsibility’ to wield his power? How about Castro, Amin, or Pot? And now Putin, Jong Un, Erdoğan. How many more people must suffer and die, just for those monsters to exercise their self-defined ‘responsibility’ to keep themselves in power? I’m possibly tipping over into the dramatic, but no-one stops to think about what these sentiments really mean, or their ramifications. There’s a tacit assumption in this line that is naïve and even somewhat twee: that the person with the power will automatically use it for something good.

55. As mentioned.
This comes after an enquiry, and is a more passive-aggressive way of saying, “I already told you this.” The person then sits and looks at you with an expression of superiority befitting the queen of a powerful House in a fantasy epic. Well, excuse me, I’m sure. I’m trying to put together a high-value contract, time is a factor, and I’m being given a lot of new information at once. Do forgive me if I need to double-check a few details. Often accompanied by…

56. As advised.
Where? Where did you advise me? Here’s a hardcopy of your email. Here’s a highlighter pen. Can you show me where you advised this? Honestly, the thing I could most do without is the serene smile that usually accompanies these statements.

57. Look out for the twist.
Oh, thank you. I was watching that. And now my viewing experience is tainted by an unwelcome anticipation that will skew the rest of the story for me. The number of reviews that do this, as well. Do critics think they’re clever, pointing out that there’s a twist, after they’ve seen the film or read the book? Do they think they have some sort of inside information, that’s available to anyone with functioning eyes? Please stop doing this. It’s very distracting.

58. I’m not technical.
Well, you’d better learn to be technical. Your life is run by computers.

59. You can’t judge a book by its cover.
I expect this has been noted before, but yeah, you can. That’s what the cover is for: to give you an idea of what’s inside. This also explains why people give me a wide berth when I march through town in my teddy-bear pyjamas.

60. Plenty of flesh on display.
Oh, ick. It’s not a barbecue. A depressingly common tabloid phrase, this is usually trotted out whenever there’s a woman wearing something above the knee. Another popular favourite is ‘stuns’. So-and-so ‘stuns’ in revealing outfit. This is often found directly opposite a story about the modern power of feminism to liberate women from the male gaze.

61. There’s been a miscommunication.
You mean you screwed up, but you don’t want to admit it. Not only that, but you’re suggesting the onus was on me to make myself clearer. No, that’s not what I meant when I asked for a double-ended strap-on. It’s for the roof-rack.

62. Words are wielded like weapons.
This was part of the blurb on the promotion for a film. It’s also one phrase guaranteed to turn me off watching it. So…there’s no action, or graphic effects or anything happening on screen? It’s just a bunch of people talking. Like 12 Angry Men or The Social Network or Oppenheimer, which are all very good. I may have talked myself into a corner.

63. Why is it doing that?
Usually uttered when something is flickering on a computer screen, and you’re expected to know the cause. I don’t know why it’s doing that. I’ve been on this page as long as you have. I know as much as you do.

64. Do as I say, not as I do.
A fairly obvious choice, so why not include it? What is the point in telling me not to do something, if you’re only going to do it yourself, and do it right in front of me. I mean, at least make it a fail. That way you can demonstrate why I shouldn’t do it. It’s no good telling me not to do something, then do it right in front of me, and then have the result be exactly what you were going for. You may as well be up-front about it: ‘Look, you shouldn’t do this, but it’s what works, so…yeah.’

65. Life isn’t fair.
No, I suppose it isn’t, but I don’t need you to tell me that, you condescending skunk. Also, I firmly believe that life should be more fair, and indeed would be more fair if we didn’t meekly accept sentiments like this one. Isn’t a fairer shake what all of us want? Obviously not the top 5% that owns 50% of the global wealth, or whatever the statistic is, but the rest of us certainly do, as we scrabble for pennies dropped down the backs of the sofas of the ‘elite’. Also, the word ‘elite’. Just means ‘more money than you’. That’s all. No better, no cleverer, no more deserving; just having the kind of money it takes to buy yourself in and scratch each other’s backs. Of course, even if I had the money, they wouldn’t let the likes of me near their cliquey little anthill, but that’s a separate complaint.

66. High value.
I keep seeing men and women described as ‘high value’ in discussions of success on dating sites. Human beings are not items on a shelf or at an auction; they are people, with lives, thoughts and feelings. Just how high an opinion of yourself do you need, to have the gall to assign value to someone else, based on your own, presumably self-ascribed criteria? You can bet ‘high value’ doesn’t include concepts such as ‘decent’, ‘loyal’, hard-working’ or even ‘loving’. It means ‘looks and money’, same as it always has. Absolutely no reason why I’d resent that.

67. Appearances can be deceiving.
Hm. I thought this was going to be an easy one, and that the last word there should be ‘deceptive’. Turns out the two variations are somewhat interchangeable. I would have thought though, that the continuous-tense verb is used when something is currently happening. So, the appearances are currently deceiving you, whereas if they’re deceptive, then that’s a less specific state of affairs, free of time constraints, to match the more general intent of the statement. I don’t know, I just don’t like it. Doesn’t feel right. Same with conserve on toast. I know it’s just jam only thicker, but it doesn’t quite work for me.

68. So cuteeeee!
I see this in too many YouTube comments (mostly because I watch too many YouTube videos). The commentator must mean that it’s ‘so cuuuute’, since the above is clearly not how people talk. Of course, the comment section is probably not the place to visit if you want to see your language treated with any respect…

69. I can’t hardly breathe.
Sigh. You can hardly breathe. If you can’t hardly breathe you can breathe just fine. Let me take the bag off your head and I’ll explain it to you.

Heh. That last number coupled with that phrase was just a happy coincidence. Honestly not intentional. I’ll add more to this page as and when.